The human mess

I was rather shocked recently to discover that I have become one of those people who have a lot of things wrong with them.  Shocked because I have always been (or thought of myself as) extraordinarily healthy and strong.

I've had well-behaved bunions on both feet for ever so long, but recently one of them has swelled to the point that it looks as though there is a marble under my skin.  It's pushing my toes out of alignment, causing painful calluses and corns to develop.  This is a problem because of how much I love to walk, which is now more challenging on some days.  I've got an appointment with a podiatrist in my calendar and am hoping for some relief, although I'm pretty certain I want to avoid surgery if at all possible.

A few weeks ago I discovered a hard, rough little bump on my forearm.  It didn't itch or hurt and was annoying mostly because of just being there.  Recently it began to look infected and to be painful whenever I would accidently bump against something.  Last week I went to my dermatologist to have it removed so now I have a big old divot in my arm.

On the same day as that derm. visit, a sore place on my gums developed into an abscess, which grew until it burst.  Fortunately my dentist was able to see me the next day.  The swelling is mostly gone and there doesn't seem to be anything to be concerned about, although he couldn't say what had caused it.

It didn't help that these second two issues occurred at the same time Sweet Hubby and I were going through a 3 day power outage, so moving from our cold dark house into a motel room.  I also had an acting audition for a role in a feature film, which had to be recorded and submitted by the end of that very bad day.  It all felt like a lot at once.

I promise this will be my only organ recital in this blog (although if we have lunch together you might hear about some of it again).  I'm mostly writing about all of this because of how it has affected my spirit.  I feel more vulnerable now, less assured of my health and strength.  These issues have all been, or soon will be (I hope) successfully resolved and my energy is restored, with a few adjustments for my aching feet, but I am keenly aware now that there will be more issues to come.  I don't know what they will look like, when they will show themselves, how bad they might become.  I just know that they are waiting for me.

Okay.  I'm human and mortal and it's messy.  Okay.   Bring it on.

 

Time to talk about it

Here are some random thoughts that have been floating through my mind since the election:

It's time for me to give up the idea that I can change anybody's mind.  I've known that for a long time, but now I really get it on a deeper level of insight.  People have to change their own minds.  Because of that, I'm hoping the country goes to shit right away.  That will be bad for everyone, but maybe - only maybe - it will wake up the people who have become entranced by what they believe Trump to be, or what they believe he will do.

Although I will certainly take part in symbolic actions, such as marches, I am going to be vigilant in searching for concrete actions I can take.  Action is the great antidote to depression and feelings of powerlessness.  Very important for me/all of us to remember that we are not powerless and voiceless.

Things are going to go very badly for Ukraine, with probable withdrawal of U.S. military support, so one of those actions I'm going to take is to write to NATO to urge that body to accept Ukraine as a member.  If Russia takes over Ukraine, especially after its almost uncontested Crimean grab, Putin will no doubt be emboldened to take over other countries/territories as well.    https://www.nato.int/cps/en/natohq/198183.htm  

At my best, I've very, very curious to see how these next couple of years unfold.  At my worst, I'm full of despair.  But my despair doesn't help anything and hurts me.  My rage only adds darkness to the world.  That's not who I want to be.  So I'm working on curiosity.

I'm currently reading "Killers of the Flower Moon", an excellent nonfiction account of the investigation into the murders of Osage Indians, which were orchestrated mostly by one man who wanted the rights to their oil-rich land.  This book has reminded me that throughout all of human history there have been men (maybe some women, too, but mostly men) greedy for power and money.  This era is not an anomaly.  It just happens to be the era I/we are living through, so it feels more real and urgent, disgraceful and wrong.  Corruption in business and government is nothing new.

I believe, and my experience is, that most people are good and kind and friendly and honest.  But kindness is quiet; anger and bullying are noisy.  Noise makes the news, which is why it's so easy to have a skewed perspective on what's going on in the world.  I need to continue to approach people with an eye to their humanity, to reach across whatever divide there might be between us.

"A defeat doesn't mean you're defeated."  Joe Biden  

The patient died

 A friend shared this a few days before the election:

HOLDING VIGIL

 My cousin asks if I can describe this moment,

the heaviness of it, like sitting outside

the operating room while someone you love

is in surgery and you’re on those awful plastic chairs

eating flaming Doritos from the vending machine

which is the only thing that seems appealing to you, dinner-wise,

waiting for the moment when the doctor will come out

in her scrubs and face-mask, which she’ll pull down

to tell you whether your beloved will live or not. That’s how it feels

as the hours tick by, and everyone I care about

is texting me with the same cold lump of dread in their throat

asking if I’m okay, telling me how scared they are.

I suppose in that way this is a moment of unity,

the fact that we are all waiting in the same

hospital corridor, for the same patient, who is on life support,

and we’re asking each other, Will he wake up?

Will she be herself? And we’re taking turns holding vigil,

as families do, and bringing each other coffee

from the cafeteria, and some of us think she’s gonna make it

while others are already planning what they’ll wear to the funeral,

which is also what happens at times like these,

and I tell my cousin I don’t think I can describe this moment,

heavier than plutonium, but on the other hand,

in the grand scheme of things, I mean the whole sweep

of human history, a soap bubble, because empires

are always rising and falling, and whole civilizations

die, they do, they get wiped out, this happens

all the time, it’s just a shock when it happens to your civilization,

your country, when it’s someone from your family on the respirator,

and I don’t ask her how she’s sleeping, or what she thinks about

when she wakes at three in the morning,

cause she’s got two daughters, and that’s the thing,

it’s not just us older people, forget about us, we had our day

and we burned right through it, gasoline, fast food,

cheap clothing, but right now I’m talking about the babies,

and not just the human ones, but also the turtles and owls

and white tigers, the Redwoods, the ozone layer,

the icebergs for the love of God—every single

blessed being on the face of this earth

is holding its breath in this moment,

and if you’re asking, can I describe that, Cousin,

then I’ve gotta say no, no one could describe it

we all just have to live through it,

holding each other’s hands.

 

—from Poets Respond.   Rattle Magazine Alison Luterman