Last night I found myself imagining, as I sometimes do, what my life would be like (I refuse to say 'will') if Sweet Hubby died before me. I pictured myself in a very dark place, wailing to the Universe, "How am I going to survive this?"
But I quickly realized that it doesn't have to be a cry of despair. It can be a real question. How would I survive SH's death? What measures can I take now, what details can I plan for while I have my wits about me? What support can I line up ahead of time? For example, I need to think about who I know I would want to talk to and how I would handle the people I don't want to talk to. Who could set up a meal train? Who could take care of the garden?
Most importantly: Who would be the best person I could call on to reassure me that I will figure out what I don't understand and remind me that there are lots of resources to turn to. It will take a very special person to be able to do that because it will take a lot of work on both our parts for me to stop feeling frightened and helpless. I have some idea who that person might be, but I may not truly know who it is until the moment I need her or him.
That's another thing. I must decide now that I'm going to listen to exactly what my heart and guts and brain tell me and be brave enough to do what they say to do or not do or change or whatever. I have to put it into my mind now that I am going to be able to survive and figure everything out and get the help I need.
