My friend, my very wise friend, Christine, taught me early in my marriage to Sweet Hubby to look for the positive aspects of the things about him which drive me berserk. I was complaining, as I do, about how much I hate that he has so much stuff, while I like to live much more sparely. "Oh no," Christine said, "you love that part of him, the part that can be sentimental and bond to things and ideas and memories. And the very thing that bothers him about you, your looseness, your inattention to detail, your impulsiveness, these are the things he loves about you. He loves how you move through the world so freely and creatively."
So, the flip sides:
SH becomes deeply interested in various pursuits and will collect the appropriate books, equipment, etc.; eventually his interest moves on, but the stuff remains, taking up space. He always seems to want more of things, while I want less or fewer. ("I know you said to buy two," he'll say if he did the grocery shopping, "so I got four!") The flip side of this, as Christine pointed out, is that he is interesting to be around because he is so interested in so many subjects. He has a most brilliant and exploring mind. And he is, indeed, very sentimental. One of our cats' bowls got broken, but SH has kept the pieces because our little Stachie drank out of it when she was alive. As silly as I think that it, it's also very, very sweet and endearing.
SH is a very organized man, who loves to do research, to keep records and charts, to know the minutest details of whatever topic is at hand. When we were looking to buy a new refrigerator, for example, we would go to an appliance store and look at various models; I would say "Let's get this one", but SH would want to go home and do more online research. I had to keep a rein on myself so that I didn't do a lot of eye-rolling and harumphing. Let's just choose one and buy it already! The flip side is that, when we do make a purchase, we can both feel assured that we got the one which truly suits our needs and has the most stellar reputation. And his penchant for chart-keeping, such as the one he uses to record his nightly dental care, has inspired me to floss and rubber pick my teeth every night, rather than just whenever I thought of it (which wasn't often), as used to be the case.
SH has lots of t-shirts, more than 50, more, in my lofty opinion, than any person needs. And he wears them until they are pretty ragged. When he was still going into an office to work, he would sometimes wear a t-shirt that was almost threadbare, with a limp, deflated looking collar. I really hated that, maybe partly because I thought his co-workers would think I wasn't taking care of him. And he sometimes buy new shirts without getting rid of any of the old ones, which made me even more wiggy. The flip side is that his t-shirts are colorful and interesting, and I absolutely love that he uses things until they are truly used up.
When he wears a buttoned shirt, sometimes he walks around with on side of his collar flipped up, or the shirt mis-buttoned, or what hair he has standing up in odd places. This is one area in which he is much looser than I am. I can't stand that sort of dishevelment (and have even been known to turn down a stranger's collar or hem when I can do it without seeming dangerously wacko). The flip side of this is that SH is the least vain person I have ever known. He started balding quite early, but wasn't and isn't in the least bit self-conscious about it. I lived in Hollywood for decades among people for whom appearance is everything, so it is wonderfully refreshing to be with someone who cares more about what's inside than out. Another perk is that he also isn't judgmental about how I look, which is lucky for me. We met just as I was hitting menopause, with the accompanying weight gain, changes in skin texture, etc. I certainly wouldn't want to be out dating at this time in my life. But when SH looks as me, I know he sees who I am and not how I look.
There are many more instances, but we'll consider the picture painted. I'm ever so grateful to Christine for opening my eyes to look for what is good underneath what is bothersome. Because who wants to spend a marriage being bothered and critical, when it's so much more fun to appreciate and adore?
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