Weight

 I have thought about my weight every single day since I was about 10 years old, usually many times a day.  I've thought about it when I was thin.  I've thought about it when I was heavy.  I thought about it when I was in Hollywood pursuing an acting career.  I thought about it when I was office manager for a Beverly Hills real estate office. I thought about it when I moved to Seattle as single woman and was looking for love.  I think about it now that I am married to a man who acts as though I'm beautiful no matter how I look.

I think about it and fret about it and make private promises about it.  But I don't ever actually go on a diet.

Here's the thing about diets.  Going on a diet means choosing something uncomfortable (kale) over something comfortable and comforting (chocolate).  And making that choice every day, supposedly for the rest of one's life.  No wonder it's so hard.

The times I've been thin have been either because I was very active (3 hours of contra dancing 3 times a week, for example), or sick (pneumonia, or a 2 week sore throat, or when my thyroid when into hyper-drive).  So I've just never gotten into the habit or discipline of dieting.  And now, even though I'm still fairly active, I don't do that rigorous dancing, don't have the metabolism of youth, and am hardly ever sick and never for long.

A few nights ago, I lay on the living room floor for a while listening to music.  During that peaceful time, I put my hands on my belly and let them rest there, and for just a moment I had a glimpse of what it might feel like to leave myself alone; to accept that I eat what I eat; I look like what I look like; people see me how they see me.  I saw what it might be like not to think about my weight but just to live unselfconsciously.

It was very nice.  For that moment.