Trying to understand

Every election year Sweet Hubby and I re-watch "The West Wing".  Last night we were watching an episode in the final season, which is about the campaign for a new President.  Both the Democratic and Republican candidates were men of intelligence and integrity.  When the Rep. lost the race, his staff urged him to contest the vote, but he refused, even though he had possible cause (the sudden death of the Dem. VP candidate). 

Watching this, I was suddenly overcome by an anguish which has been simmering below the surface of my soul since 2015, when it felt to me that half the country had gone insane and embraced a vile, lying, ignorant, narcissistic, mean-spirited bully as their hero and President.  Sometimes this anguish boils over, as it did last night.  "How is this possible?  How is this possible?  How is this possible?" I sobbed.  "I don't understand."

When I went to the back of the house to compose my mind, I found myself thinking of a minor incident from earlier that day.  During a workout class, I had mentioned to the instructor that my thigh muscles were cramping during one exercise.  She said "That's because they're working.  You're just not used to exercise."

I instantly felt insulted and defensive.  How dare she?  I workout 5-7 times every week.  I'm extremely fit for someone my age.  She's young, she doesn't understand that muscle cramps are a fact of elder life.  I didn't say any of that, of course, because that first reaction was followed almost at once by  some clearer thinking.  I knew she meant no harm, was responding to my comment in the way she knows to.  That first reaction was purely visceral; then my brain kicked in and smoothed my ruffled feathers with perspective and understanding.

I realized that every one of us is subject to those instant visceral reactions of fear and anger.  And I thought: maybe some people simply get stuck in those reactions, aren't able to move past them by examining them, thinking more critically, more wisely and clearly.

And so I began to have some understanding of how it is that a massive portion of the population can get excited about shallow, inflammatory  rhetoric full of dog whistles and triggers and simple answers.  That understanding  really helped me.  I could see that the main source of my anguish isn't because of how these Trump fanatics are behaving (however egregious that might be).  It's because of how hard it is for me to understand their behavior.  Once I can understand something, I can deal with it.  It's the not understanding that makes me feel so loony.