Last night as I was lying in bed, I found my mind dancing through the past, revisiting incidents from different parts of my life. Not the significant events, just moments from childhood, adolescence, young adulthood. And suddenly I realized: I'm at the stage of life when I have more past than future. I've been at this stage for a while, of course. But it never quite came home until last night. I understood it in one of those lights-turning-on sorts of insights. And I don't find it distressing at all to think that quite a bit more than half my life is behind me. In fact, I find I'm feeling quite calm about my approaching end of life, in this moment at least. I certainly don't feel ready to check out, not yet. But I also don't know how hard I want to fight to stay in this world. Of course I don't want to leave Sweet Hubby, my friends and family. There are plays I'd like to finish writing, states and countries I'd like to visit, and I'd like to keep learning, trying new things, meeting new people.
But along with the acceptance of the coming of old age and eventual death has come the understanding that it's too late for the human race. We were doomed, we doomed ourselves in fact, as soon as the Industrial Revolution happened. We've been poisoning ourselves and the planet since, and it's clear we're not going to stop.
I say it's clear because I look at my own life, the way I live, the choices I do and don't make. Supposedly I'm one of the smart, informed, educated people who understands the dangers of climate change and the role of humans in that change. SH and I take the right actions of composting and recycling. We bring our own doggy bag containers when we go out to eat. I reuse plastic bags for as long as possible. But I still use them. There is plastic everywhere in our home. We drive a hybrid, very fuel efficient. But I still fly when I want to go somewhere farther from home. Air travel is supposed to be one of the major causes of air pollution. And what materials did it take to make my car and the billions of other fuel efficient cars on the road and how are those materials mined? And the battery in the car is eventually going to go into landfill. In fact, ultimately, everything is going to go into landfill. As was said in a documentary, we throw things away, but there's no such place as 'away'. Everything goes somewhere, and somewhere is either the land, the air, or the water. Thwaites Glacier, also called the Doomsday glacier, is melting and will collapse. It is inevitable now. And I know it, and still, I continue to live the way I live. So much easier than to make the drastic changes which every single person would have to make if the human race were truly to reverse or even slow the decline of our environment.
I know this must seem dire and depressing, but for some reason, I'm not depressed about it. I accept that my end is coming and that the end is likely near for all of us humans. Not for the planet, which will immediately begin to heal once we aren't around to frack and strip mine and pollute. That's part of why I feel sort of sanguine about this all; the Earth is going to be fine, because the Earth has all the time in the Universe. We humans, despite these great big brains and our wonderful, dangerous imaginations, despite our amazing technologies and industries, are primitive beings who are able either see trouble coming and just not do anything about it or simply don't/can't see it because we're so busy thinking about our little selves. Just as I am. And that's just how it is.
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