Gratitude and apology

This post is dedicated to 2 women, girls actually, who made a difference in my life in different ways.  Robin Clark, to whom I owe a thank you.  And Pam Huang, to whom I owe a deep and embarrassingly overdue apology.

I was playing all girl volleyball one day after school, 7th grade.  The ball came close to the line on one play and members of the two teams began to debate somewhat hotly about whether it was in or out.  Robin Clark said "Let's ask Barbara.  She's always honest."

I didn't know Robin well.  We were in some classes together, but didn't socialize.  I'm not sure how she got the impression I was an honest person.  I had only lived in this town for about a year, so we had very little history.  But when she said that, I suddenly had a new sense of what it is to have a reputation; I understood that people are always forming and reforming impressions of one another, and that those impressions carry some weight.  I was a little anxious about being called on to decide the play, because it had looked to me as though the ball had been inside the line, which would benefit my team.  I can still remember that it flashed through my mind that I ought to call it for the other team, just so that no one could accuse me of being prejudiced for my side.  But that would have been faux honesty, exactly the opposite of what Robin thought of me.  So I called the ball as I had truly seen it, and the game went on.

I credit that moment and Robin for inspiring me to shape myself as an ethical person.  My parents had always modeled honesty and uprightness, but there is something about hearing someone my own age speak of ethics that brought home to me the fact that honesty is not some grown up trait that I was supposed to grow into.  It's here and now and always.  I began to see that every moment is an opportunity to choose how to act, and all those moments make up a life.  I wish I could tell Robin how much her statement meant to me at the time and that I have carried it with me since.

Pam Huang was one of my best friends in sixth and seventh grades.  We had sleepovers and played games and got along without a hitch - until the summer she and I and our friend Kim went to camp together.  Kim and I had a crush on one of the counselors, and kept ditching Pam so that we could go off and talk about him and our newfound, adultish feelings.  I know it was terribly hurtful to Pam to be excluded after how close we had been.  Even at the time, I knew I was being cruel.  But I was too full of myself and my blossoming adolescence to care.  I changed and didn't take Pam with me.

I have very few regrets in my life, but this is one of the big ones.  Pam, I wish I could tell you how sorry I am to have hurt you so carelessly when you thought you were safe in our friendship.  I hope you have forgotten me and that summer and that hurt.  I certainly haven't.

Looking at these two incidents together, I can see that I have in me both a very ethical side and one that can be thoughtless and self-absorbed.  This is still true, and probably true for every one of us.  I wish I could remember that when I'm busy judging someone for how they're behaving, remember that they, too, have in them all possibility for both good and wicked.