Beauty and certainty

I've been with a lot of men.  Men who fell out of love, men who were critical, men who cheated.  I've been with a lot of good men, too.  But not a single one of them made me feel completely loved and completely known and completely beautiful until Sweet Hubby.

I was in my 50's when we met, on the far, far side of anything that could be called youth, and, naturally enough, have only gotten older.  Now I've got a belly and not much of a waist.  My chin sags.  My hair is limp.  My eyes are small.  I'm wrinkling.  And still I know for sure, with absolute certainty, that SH thinks I'm beautiful.  He has given me that gift in word and deed and glance every day of our marriage.  If ever I began to doubt that, even for a second, my world would change and my joy would be diminished.

Every one of us needs to know, deserves to know, that somebody thinks we are beautiful, no matter what.  We are all the Beast hoping to be saved by Beauty in the fairy tale of our lives, saved by someone who sees our souls and not just our appearance.

The Snow White fairy tale sends a different message, which is powerful and destructive.  (I'm talking here about the Disney version.  The original is rather disturbing and dark.)  In the iconic moment in the story, the Prince's kiss brings the girl out of her coma, gives her back her life.  And he only kisses her because she is beautiful.  He doesn't know her, doesn't know what scares her, what she's like in bed, how bad her temper is, her favorite color or food, what kind of mother she might be.  The Prince loves this dame because she's beautiful.  Snow White isn't even doing anything.  She's not dancing nor swimming nor working nor playing tennis.  She's sleeping.  So there's nothing for the Prince to love except how she looks.  No wonder women spend hours on make up and hair and dieting and working out, and wear those ghastly pointy-toed shoes, and have cosmetic surgeries.  We get the message early on: We will be loved when we are beautiful because we are beautiful.

So those of us who don't fit the Hollywood standard of beauty - and let's face it, that's where it comes from, there and Madison Avenue - we need someone to light up when they look at us, and smile, and mean it.  It's a hard world to be happy in without that.

I am able to believe SH's appreciation of my beauty because I give the same gift to him.  I can see his grizzles and grays and pouches and hair where it shouldn't be and no hair where it should be and still, I find him thrillingly handsome, absolutely swoony good looking.  Not because, or not just because, of how he looks, but because of the him-ness of him, because he is who he is, because of his intellect and kindness and integrity and wacky sense of humor and love of color and kitties,  These are the factors which make up true beauty.  The you-ness of you.