I'm reading a book about romance. Not the courtly, chaste, hand kissing kind. This is about passion, infatuation, ecstasy, when you are wildly attracted to someone and, glory of glories, (s)he is attracted to you. The butterflies in your stomach kind of passion, when your guts turn into hot water and run down your legs, you are dizzy, can't think about anything but your beloved and how tingly topsy-turvy light- headed you feel. When sparks fly between the two of you and your erotic chemistry turns you giddy and soft and hard in all the right places. When the world is yours and the future seems nothing but endless promise and possibility.
Sweet Hubby and I never had that. The first time we met was at a conference and consisted of not much more than "I liked your work" "Thank you very much". I had another boyfriend so wasn't looking, and had to leave immediately for the plane home. We had one dinner together a bit later when SH came to my city for work, but I still had that other boyfriend, and, even though I enjoyed our conversation, I still didn't feel any particular fire for the man who became my SH.
Our courtship started not too long after that dinner, and was conducted exclusively by phone and email. We had long conversations, revealing ourselves to one another a bit at a time, diving deeper and deeper into the other's soul and mind. By the time we finally got together as a couple, I already knew that we would be together forever.
And then we had our first kiss. A very nice kiss, lovely and warm. But no sparks, not much chemistry, no butterflies. In an instant I weighed what it would mean to give up this magnificent partnership to hold out for the hope of ecstasy, and decided I would go for the best man I'd ever known, even if it meant there might not be much sizzle. He is wonderfully affectionate, and that goes a long way toward satisfying the hunger for sex.
Now, 15+ years later, I'm having the best, deepest, wildest, noisiest orgasms of my life.
I have come to think that a lot of romantic relationships get into trouble (and this is not just theory but based on my own long history of dating) because so many of them begin with all that heat and fire, which eventually, inevitably begins to fade. Then one or both of the partners thinks "What's wrong? Something's wrong. Why doesn't it feel as good as it did? Why does she suddenly have flaws? Why has he started to annoy me? Where's that chemistry? I guess (s)he's not the one after all."
SH and I got it backward, and thank goodness for that. We started with little chemistry, and no infatuation at all. We didn't love the other for the way we made each other feel. We loved each other for who we are, for how well we got along. Our sizzle came more from sharing jokes, appreciating one another's prodigious intellect, discovering and coming to understand more of each other's psyche and history. Instead of bursting into flower immediately, our passion grew slowly, with more warmth than fire at first. Instead of fading, it has continued to blossom as we have learned each other bodies and souls.
Infatuation is great, and I enjoy remembering all those many instances of it in my youth. I just wish I had learned sooner that it is not necessarily the foundation for what I was really looking for; it can't be counted on to last and it is not to be confused with actual love. I am so glad I opted for love, thinking I was giving up the zsa zsa zsu. Now I have both. How lucky can one person be?
We had the same experience of communicating over email, chat, and phone before getting together in person. The words are all you have, no distractions (going to the movies, miniature golf, watching football, whatever)so you focus on the right then and there and quickly go deep. There's time to consider what was written and how you want to reply. A beautiful time -- and exciting, stopping by the computer in the middle of the night, hoping for a new email! Thanks for this lovely post, Babs. xoA <3
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