Lockdown blessings

 1) I'm working out a lot during this time, sometimes 2 or 3 times a day (although I'm also eating my share of comfort food).  I've always worked out fairly regularly, but during these stressful times when I'm feeling particularly depressed, anxious, or unfocused, I tend to turn to working out, sort of "this day feels wasted but at least I can move".  And I continue to love to put on music and dance my ass off. 

2) Sweet Hubby and I have always had a strong marriage, but it's only in the past 7 months (7 months!?!?) that we've been together so consistently.  He used to go to work, and I used to travel or go out with friends quite a lot.  Now it's pretty much all us all the time.  And I've discovered that our marriage is just as strong, just as fun, just as good as it has always been, and perhaps even stronger because we are doing a good job accompanying one another through this chaotic, emotional era as well as through the years of aging.  My parents always used to say "Marry someone whose conversation and company you enjoy", but during those years when I was juicy and hormonal, conversation wasn't as important as I've come to see it is.  Infatuation is brief.  Good company can be forever.

3) We do some take-out to support local businesses, but we eat in most of the time, and I'm getting a kick out of trying new recipes from the 31 recipe books taking up space in the kitchen.

4) I've worn my hair the same for a long time, but now I'm letting it grow out and get to see how it looks as different lengths.  I always felt I needed to keep it the same so it matched my headshots, but with one rare exception, there are no auditions coming my way, so I can look pretty much any way at any time.  there may be a new look waiting for me at the end of this lockdown.

5) More reading time.

6) This doesn't seem like a blessing right now, but I believe in the long run it will be one.  Trump didn't create the fanaticism, discord, divide, hysteria, dissatisfaction, racism, xenophobia now on such noisy and prominent display in this country, although he is a master at stirring it up, giving it a megaphone and a spotlight, being the cheerleader.  And because it has been stirred up, his term in office has opened all our eyes to how many unhealed wounds we have tried for so long to ignore, wish away, hide from.  There's no hiding now.  There's no denying.  There are serious problems, inequities in our society that must be dealt with.  Let's hope they can be dealt with in a way that actually looks for solutions and healing rather than being used as a means to win power.

7) Clearing out shelves and drawers and boxes, organizing, letting go of (although it's not easy right now to know where to pass the let go stuff to).

8) Zooming with family members regularly and with friends often.  My sibs and I used to be in touch pretty much as needed or on whim.  Now we Zoom every week, a time I always look forward to and cherish.  And I take part in two game Zooms a week, a writing group Zoom bi-weekly, and another writing group Zoom monthly.  I would feel a whole lot more isolated, a whole lot more depressed without these wonderful, uplifting sessions.

There are probably even more reasons that this time is a blessing and not a curse, or not just a curse.  I try not to take it for granted that SH and I are getting through this fairly easily, without children to educate and entertain, without parents to worry about, without jobs to lose or struggle to keep.  For some people. there is probably a lot more curse than blessing.  So I try to be conscious and grateful every day.  As the man was heard to say at each floor as he fell from the top of a skyscraper: "So far so good."

On a happier note

 I've been coming up with You Might Be an Egghead jokes, sort of the counterpoint to Jeff Foxworthy's You Might Be a Redneck.  I've only thought of a few so far:

If your wife says "Let's have sex" and you think "Damn, I was going to read", you might be an egghead.

If "The Big Bang Theory" is your "Duck Dynasty", you might be an egghead.

If someone says "rock star" and you immediately think of Neil deGrasse Tyson, you might be an egghead.

To anyone who reads this, if you can think of any others, feel free to pass them along.

Dear Mitch McConnell

Senator McConnell, your unseemly haste in wanting to fill RBG's seat has revealed what a malicious, hypocritical man you are.  If you want to disillusion us all, right and left, about how our government functions, then good job.  Because your supporters do see your hypocrisy, make no mistake.  They just don't care, or are still too scared to say the Emperor has no clothes.  You and they have succeeded in making us all despise government, its blatant corruption, its - his stubborn ignorance, the stirring up of hatred and all our worst instincts.  And we despise each other, right and left.  You and Trump have fomented a social civil war that is going to reverberate for a long time, no matter how many Obamas and Bidens and Harrises try to heal it.

Now then, do I feel better for putting that all in words?  Hard to say.

Damn them!

 A friend of mine was scammed but good last week.  She's an older woman, a recent widow, and although she hasn't been financially ruined, this is scary for her.  She feels very alone as she navigates replacing her computer and credit cards, opening and closing accounts, filing reports, dealing with the aftermath of having naively let someone into her computer.  She is embarrassed that she was caught, of course, but she's from a time when people were more trusting and had reason to be.

And they know that, these fucking thieves.  That's why elders are targeted.  We're not as familiar, not as comfortable with the digital world, of course, but even more so because we still want to believe that it's possible to trust someone.  And that belief is used against us as though it were a flaw instead of a beautiful way to behave.  

Sometimes it feels as though this country has been ruined, and I often fear the ruination might be permanent.  Empires rise and fall all through history, and this is probably what it looks like when the erosion has begun.  People are so angry, so careless about hurting one another.  The gap between who has and who wants is widening palpably.  I blame Trump for a lot of this dysfunction and madness, but he didn't create it.  He and Fox have simply found all sorts of ways to stir it up, give it a spotlight and a megaphone.  There have always been scammers and there probably always will be, although their access to victims has been exponentially enhanced by the digital age.  But there is an underlying sickness in this country which Trump has exposed and which all this scamming is a symptom of.

I guess the US has to be humbled eventually.  We can't keep striding around the world in our hobnailed boots, taking what we want, ignoring poverty and starvation, propping up dictators.  We were founded on genocide and slavery, the root rot that is showing up now in the failing of so many of our systems and projects and laws.  I sure do miss Obama.  I miss my Mom.  I miss optimism.  I miss the assumption of decency in others.

Dancing, drama, and disappointment

 I was feeling pretty blue last evening.  For one thing, I've got all these medical tests to take to determine what caused the weird passing out incident a few nights ago.  Although I feel fine in my body, I feel fragile in my spirits.  And then there's all the ongoing political tensions.  I have a vivid and disturbing picture in my imagination (and may it stay there!) of bands of Republicans or unaffiliated thugs attacking Dems at polling places on election day.  Trump is a failure at most aspects of life (including, apparently, finances), but he is a master at sowing doubt and discord.

Also, my play Holy Hell, possibly my most powerful, was performed digitally last night, and it was a terrible disappointment.  There were tech difficulties, very distracting.  But more than that, the actors used a very narrow range of emotional colors.  The woman had one moment that felt like true emotion, but otherwise it felt rushed and flat.  It didn't make me cry, which is telling.  I was embarrassed that I had invited so many people to watch it, and even to donate to it.  These digital performances (7 or 8 so far) are just too universally disappointing, the one exception being the reading of Familiar Kill by a group in London.  I don't think I'm going to invite my peeps to watch them any more.  I had had high hopes for this one because the play lends itself so well to the Zoom format, but those hopes, while not dashed, were not met.  Sigh.

Anyway, when I'm blue, dancing is often a good way to get out of my head and into a sweeter place, so I put on some Peter Gabriel and danced my ass off, something I haven't done for a while.  And as I was moving, I had the thought that I probably could have been a good dancer.  I seem to have a feel for it and love doing it, almost any kind.  When I took my first African dance class several years ago, one of the drummers said to me "You've done this a lot, haven't you", and didn't believe me when I said it was my first time.  If I had stayed with it, even though I don't have a dancer's body type and even though I'm not naturally limber, I think I might have been really good.  If I had stayed with it.  If I had given it my all.

And that got me thinking that I haven't really given my all to anything.  There are a lot of aspects of myself which have never been developed as fully as they could have been because I didn't give them one hundred per cent, because I haven't given anything one hundred per cent.  Not acting, not writing, not dancing, not school, not leadership, not anything.

Except my family, my husband, and my best friends.  To them, I give everything I have and everything I am.  That must be where my focus has always been, even if I've spent a years thinking it ought to be elsewhere.  But it is here on the people I love and who populate my life.  So at least I can say I give my all somewhere.  That's something.

A Most Excellent Day

Today was one of the best days I've had in a long time.  I've been so full of anger and outrage and anxiety lately, getting too little sleep, chewing and chewing on dark thoughts and arguments.  But today wiped away a lot of that and really brought out the sun.

For one thing, last night Sweet Hubby and I had dinner with our across-the-street neighbors, outside, of course, and safely distanced.  It was so lovely to sit on the patio and chat and eat with friends, especially since I lifted not a finger to prepare the meal.  It was their gift to us for giving them passes to the Pt. Townsend digital Film Festival.  Just lovely to be together, surrounded by their many animals, gnawing on tender ribs and wolfing down homemade sourdough bread and the best cole slaw, just talking about everything - except politics.  We did our best to stay away from that, for the sake of our digestion and our hearts.

Then there's the fact that I got a whole night of sleep last night.  I did wake up once to pee and once to take a migraine pill, but both times got back to sleep and got a little more than 8 hours.  I had thought I was going down a long, dark tunnel of depression, but it's quite possible I have just been sleep deprived.

Today, SH and I took a whole day away, drove north on I-5, then south on Hwy. 9, which is a lovely drive through a rural, treesy part of the state, pretty and peaceful.  It's not very often that we have a whole day when we are actually in each other's company; so often, even if we are both home all day, we are head-down into our singular activities or side by side watching a movie together.  A whole day of talking and holding hands and being lookout for each other while we peed behind trees.  Such a relaxed, sweet day.

And perhaps best of all, today came the news that POTUS and FLOTUS have COVID.  I know it's terribly wicked of me to be over-the-moon joyful about someone getting sick, but after his months of denial and misinformation and neglect, working to convince his followers that the virus is a hoax or being overplayed, it's just superb that he's got it.  Now perhaps those ardent acolytes of his who follow his lead in denying will finally realize this is a real problem and absolutely must be dealt with.

There's some speculation that he doesn't actually have it, but is using this as an excuse to get out of the next two debates after the debacle of the first one.  But I don't buy that.  I think he'd use almost any excuse but COVID if he wanted out of the debates.  (The first was pointless anyway, with all the yelling and accusations and name calling and interrupting.  An unprecedented car crash, not a debate at all.  Poor Biden surely wanted to discuss issues but ended up defending himself against the onslaught of a caveman with not the slightest sliver of statesmanship in him.)  There is also speculation that he is using this announcement as a ploy to get sympathy votes and a rise in his numbers.  Maybe.  He must be desperate.  Good.  I despise, loathe, abhor, dislike, and hate this man and the damage he's done.  I'm glad he's sick.  

It was a good day.

Something happened but I don't know what - or why

 A couple of nights ago, I was working on a crossword puzzle, as I love to do.  Sweet Hubby came to the table to speak to me, as I love him to do.  All of a sudden, I began to feel really weird.  I had had a few puffs, no more than usual, so I thought maybe this was just the pot coming on, but the feeling kept building, taking me over.  The best way I can describe it is that it felt as though I were dissolving.  Not like in acid, nothing as unpleasant as that, but more like a fizzy tablet in water.  I felt as though I were disappearing.  According to SH, I turned my head away, closed my eyes, sort of leaned back, although I remained sitting.   

What I experienced in those few moments of - was it unconsciousness? - was an intense dreaming state, vivid and active, although I can't remember a single image now.  Pretty soon I opened my eyes again.  SH was standing over me looking rather alarmed.  I think I had been mid-sentence when I disappeared for a moment.  It must have been really scary for him once he realized I wasn't just fooling around.

I was able to walk to the couch and sit with him to talk comfortably for a while as I returned to myself.  I didn't have a headache or blurred vision, seemed to have all my motor control, no dizziness, really no symptoms, no after effects at all.  It was the strangest thing.  I find myself wondering: Did I have a mini-stroke?  What was that moment?

I'm not really concerned about this odd little incident, since there seems to have been no damage.  But I'm getting worried about myself in other ways.  I used to be able to stay up until 1 or 2 with no difficulty, but now can barely make it to 10pm, which isn't surprising given that I routinely wake up at 3:30 or so.  I know I'm not getting enough sleep.  Those early mornings, my mind almost immediately turns to the state of the world and especially of this country, and my blood turns to acid and I want to cry and scream and bury my head.  Maybe that moment of disappearance was stress related.  That wouldn't surprise me.

I need to stop looking at anything political.  I watched a few highlights - lowlights, really - of the debate and found myself feeling sick and my mood turning foul.  So I need to stay away from politics, and I need to find something to do that makes the world, even if just my world, a better place.  This level of outrage and depression simply isn't sustainable and it certainly isn't healthy. 

I just can't believe what has happened to this country.  I'm so sorry for the young 'uns who are inheriting such a mess of a planet.  Although I often wonder who will show up for me when I'm truly old and need help, I'm also glad I don't have children.  I don't know how I could look them in the face and say "Stay hopeful.  Follow your passion.  Have fun.  Enjoy your time here."  It is not normal for me to be so blue, so down, so tearful and listless.  I know there are many, many good people doing good work, building bridges, building communities, being generous, being kind.  I try to be one of them.  But kindness is quiet, while hatred and ignorance are noisy and take up a lot of room.

I have been chirpily telling people "It's our sacred duty to stay positive and lively and happy as an antidote to all this meanness."  I guess it's time to follow my own advice, which is an awful lot harder than it sounds.