A couple of nights ago, I was working on a crossword puzzle, as I love to do. Sweet Hubby came to the table to speak to me, as I love him to do. All of a sudden, I began to feel really weird. I had had a few puffs, no more than usual, so I thought maybe this was just the pot coming on, but the feeling kept building, taking me over. The best way I can describe it is that it felt as though I were dissolving. Not like in acid, nothing as unpleasant as that, but more like a fizzy tablet in water. I felt as though I were disappearing. According to SH, I turned my head away, closed my eyes, sort of leaned back, although I remained sitting.
What I experienced in those few moments of - was it unconsciousness? - was an intense dreaming state, vivid and active, although I can't remember a single image now. Pretty soon I opened my eyes again. SH was standing over me looking rather alarmed. I think I had been mid-sentence when I disappeared for a moment. It must have been really scary for him once he realized I wasn't just fooling around.
I was able to walk to the couch and sit with him to talk comfortably for a while as I returned to myself. I didn't have a headache or blurred vision, seemed to have all my motor control, no dizziness, really no symptoms, no after effects at all. It was the strangest thing. I find myself wondering: Did I have a mini-stroke? What was that moment?
I'm not really concerned about this odd little incident, since there seems to have been no damage. But I'm getting worried about myself in other ways. I used to be able to stay up until 1 or 2 with no difficulty, but now can barely make it to 10pm, which isn't surprising given that I routinely wake up at 3:30 or so. I know I'm not getting enough sleep. Those early mornings, my mind almost immediately turns to the state of the world and especially of this country, and my blood turns to acid and I want to cry and scream and bury my head. Maybe that moment of disappearance was stress related. That wouldn't surprise me.
I need to stop looking at anything political. I watched a few highlights - lowlights, really - of the debate and found myself feeling sick and my mood turning foul. So I need to stay away from politics, and I need to find something to do that makes the world, even if just my world, a better place. This level of outrage and depression simply isn't sustainable and it certainly isn't healthy.
I just can't believe what has happened to this country. I'm so sorry for the young 'uns who are inheriting such a mess of a planet. Although I often wonder who will show up for me when I'm truly old and need help, I'm also glad I don't have children. I don't know how I could look them in the face and say "Stay hopeful. Follow your passion. Have fun. Enjoy your time here." It is not normal for me to be so blue, so down, so tearful and listless. I know there are many, many good people doing good work, building bridges, building communities, being generous, being kind. I try to be one of them. But kindness is quiet, while hatred and ignorance are noisy and take up a lot of room.
I have been chirpily telling people "It's our sacred duty to stay positive and lively and happy as an antidote to all this meanness." I guess it's time to follow my own advice, which is an awful lot harder than it sounds.
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