How to have a superb marriage

 Q: So, Granny Owl, you're always boasting about having such a great marriage.

A: That must be annoying.

Q: Kinda.  But it's also got me wondering: What is the secret to having a superb marriage?

A: Be with the right person.

Q: Okay, that makes sense.  What else?

A: That's it.

Q: Oh come on.  There must be more to it than that.

A: Not really.  If you're with the right person for you, not much can hurt you.  If you're with the wrong person, or the almost right, or just good enough person, it might be good, but it won't be superb.

Q: How do I know if someone is right for me?

A: Now that's the real question.  The most important way to recognize her/him is this: Can you be your whole, entire, complete self with him/her?  Are you safe to reveal those parts yourself you want to hide?  If you feel judged, if you have to tiptoe or pretend or be guarded, this is probably not the right one for you. Second most important factor: Do you share values?  For example, if he thinks Trump is a hero and you think Trump is a mountain of crap, your marriage may survive, but will likely not thrive.  

Other questions to ask yourself: Do I trust her?  Do I respect him?  Do I find her conversation interesting?  Am I comfortable sitting in silence with him?  Do I want to change her?  Do I find his foibles adorable or maddening?  Can we talk about money?  Can we talk about sex?  When (not if, but when) we fight, is he a bully?  Is she fair?  Do we fight to win or fight to figure out how to navigate a situation or difference?  Can he say "I was wrong"?  Does she say "Thank you" to kindnesses?  Is she pissy at waitstaff?  Is he generous?  

The right person for you doesn't have to be a saint or an ideal.  I wasn't the right person for an awful lot of men, but I certainly am for Sweet Hubby.  All of us are like complex jigsaw puzzle pieces.   Finding the right person is just finding the person who fits your particular shape.

There are lots of perfectly fine marriage between people who are close enough to being right for each other that they are willing and able to make the necessary concessions in order to manage those place where they don't really fit each other.  Remember, I'm talking specifically about a superb marriage, the kind where you continue to swell with love year after year, where you just adore the himness of him, the herness of her, where (and this is true about me) you love this person so much, you even want to protect her from your own sharp edges, instead of blaming him for them.  (I can see why the neutral 'they' is so popular as a singular pronoun.  This him/her business is a bit tedious.  But I am of my time and not as fluid as I might be.)

Q: Okay, I got all that.  So how do I find this right person for me?

A: I'm afraid I can't be of much help there.  I don't think it can be made to happen.  The only way I can take any credit for finding - or being found by - Sweet Hubby is that I never closed myself to the possibility of love, no matter how many times romance didn't work out, no matter how discouraged and frustrated I was.  I never tried to convince myself that I didn't want what I wanted.  I never stopped looking and trying, dating as many different kinds of people as would have me.  Certainly it's important to be your most authentic self, always, so that when someone is interested in you, she's interested in who you truly are rather than in who you want to be, or who you want people to think you are, or who you hope will attract others.  Also important is to do those things which are interesting and stimulating to you, which increased the chance of meeting someone who is interested in similar sorts of things.  But really, I don't know how the universe works, how it happens that some people connect in fourth grade while others of us have to wait until we're in our 50's.

I wish I had known all of this a lot sooner.  If I'd really understood how to recognize someone being right - or not right - for me, every one of my previous romances would have been a lot shorter.  I may not have found Sweet Hubby any sooner, but I wouldn't have spent so much time and energy on people who were wrong for me, hanging on until we broke each other's hearts.

However, it never pays to make the past wrong, because the past was the path which brought me to where I am right now.  And where I am right now is superb.  For me.