Spats and war

I always know the reasonable thing I could say or do when my feelings are hurt.  I certainly have an image in my head of me being clever and logical and polite and judicious.  The trouble is that I turn so quickly into an unreasonable, scared, disempowered seven-year-old on the verge of tears that, in order not to be vulnerable, I cover myself with bristles and ice, or run away, or go on the offensive, but cagily, tacitly.

I suppose pretty much everyone has some sort of self-protective construct or persona that she's created in order not to be hurt.  In my imagination, I see the possibility of simply listening, simply responding, saying what I don't like or what has bothered me or rubbed me the wrong way.  But Little Girl shows up almost instantaneously and with her appearance vanishes that possibility, and all I'm left with is the effort to cover up that my feelings are hurt or that I feel insulted or left out.

Feeling left out.  That's the big one.  The need to belong is powerful in my psyche, and right along with it, the feeling of not belonging.  The two sides of one emotional coin.  Is mine worse than most because I was the new kid in school so often?  Or it is what drive us all, the yearning to belong?  And with that yearning comes fear of the other, of what is unfamiliar, of what might be a threat.

When I see a war movie and all the weapons humankind has invented, the tanks, missiles, bombs, cannons, fighter planes, all I see is fear made manifest.  For heaven's sake, it is possible now for one country to literally, totally annihilate another, and still no one seems to feel safe.  I have come to think that the most basic feeling/sensation common to us all is fear.  TSA was absolutely born of fear, the idea that it's better for billions of people to be treated as suspects than risk another 9/11.  Personally, I would rather risk being hurt, even killed, than to live in a world in which the attempt to protect ourselves uses so much of our energy, time, and resources.

All this came from me feeling put out by something today.  I see myself in action, and in myself, I see everyone.