Let him be him

Last night I noticed that Sweet Hubby had left partway open the sliding door to the shelf over the bathroom sink.  It used to bother me that he did that - it makes the room look sloppy and unfinished - so I had asked him several times in the past to be sure to close it, but it was something he seemed not to be able to be consistent about.  Eventually I decided it was simply too small an issue to make a fuss over, and so just started either leaving it open or sliding it shut myself, with no further comment.

I'm not sure why it bothered me when I noticed it again last night.  Maybe because I'd been thinking about how proud I am that when SH requests something from me, I make sure to do it (putting the pillowcase opening to the face the inside of the bed, wiping off the counter after taking my psyllium, folding his socks but not his boxers, little things like that).  Last night was the first time I recognized that the roiled up feeling I had when I saw that half-opened shelf door was of being disrespected.

I almost didn't say anything, because it is really such a very small thing, but I also realized that if I didn't say anything, the feeling might gnaw on me until it turned into resentment, so I spoke up.  Of course of course he meant no disrespect, and felt very bad that he had once again failed to do something I had asked for and he had agreed to.  He couldn't understand why he simply didn't seem to be able to remember to slide the door shut when leaving the room.

However, as he was talking, I realized very clearly why this one mundane act keeps escaping his notice.  SH is a contemplative man, and the bathroom affords him a place for some of his deeper musings.  Whether he's showering, shaving, brushing his teeth, or, you know, other things, he falls into thinking about whatever is on his mind, and thinking about it deeply.  He goes to who knows what other worlds, be they mechanical, digital, electrical, historical, personal, political, and for a short while gets lost in those worlds.  Naturally something as mundane as a shelf door doesn't register in his conscious mind, because his conscious mind is giving all its space to the unconscious mind.

And his deep-thinking, reflective mind is part of what I love about him, part of what makes him special and right for me.  I was basically asking him to change, to think less deeply so that he could be sure to do something as unimportant as sliding closed a shelf door.  Once I saw this, I withdrew my request, and vow never again to make an issue of it.  And he has promised that he is going to take on the challenge of reflecting inwardly just as deeply as ever while also finding a way to remember to close the stupid shelf.  So we both win.  And that's marriage.