I have experienced just enough moments of greatness to realize that, on the whole, I am a disappointment to myself.
Believe me, I'm not unhappy or depressed about this. And I know that every day, every second, offers the possibility of a new start.
The trouble is that my greatest wish has been granted. My greatest desire has been fulfilled. And that has considerably softened my drive.
What I have wanted most in life was to be loved, securely loved. To be with a partner with whom I don't have to try to be any way but exactly the way I am. Somebody I can be as strong with as I am, can go toe to toe with. To be in a happy, relaxed home, free from tension. To have someone to go through old age with, because it looks as though some of that is going to be really hard. To have someone to share my sense of humor with, to get gooey over kittens with. Someone to help me with (meaning handle) technology so that I can remain a Luddite.
And now I have all that, all that and more. My drive (except for those big honkin' O's) has diminished. I'm so content just hangin' out, being domestic, taking walks, getting together with friends, being with my husband and kitties.
Yes, Sweet Hubby, if I'm a disappointment, I'm afraid it's your fault.
I wonder if this is why women haven't taken over leadership of the world. Is it possible that our maternal drive (not universal but certainly common enough for generalization) becomes fulfilled by children (or by pets for some of us) and so we simply don't feel the urge to fight and conquer and lead and be the warriors we could be? We outnumber and outlive men. We fought for and got the vote. Why are we not in charge? Surely it would be a sweeter world if we were. Hmmmmm.
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