Something happened and it's big - to me

I have always wanted to be a professional actress.  I mean always.  I cannot remember a time when I didn't fervently, hungrily, rather desperately want to act.  For a long time I also wanted to be famous, but that fever dream died when I matured enough to understand how ghastly fame can be, what toll it can take on a life.  But still, I wanted to be an actress.  

I dropped out of college to go to Hollywood to pursue a career, and had just enough success to stay hopeful, never enough to be satisfied.  Fortunately, at some point I discovered that I have a talent for playwrighting and began to put my focus on that.  In a lot of ways, writing is much more satisfying than acting because I don't have to wait for someone to give me a job; I can write any time, anywhere, about anything.  I've had more success with writing, and even thought I was giving up my acting career when I moved to Seattle.  I had no idea that my career would be revitalized here, that I would have even more success than in Los Angeles.  I think I'm a better actress now, and I certainly do better at auditions, because I no longer have that youthful, desperate hunger.  I do my best, and then I go home and write.

To cut to the chase, I recently auditioned for a nice little role in a TV show.  And it turned out the audition went so well, I now have an audition for a different, bigger role on the same episode.  My agent shared with me that the casting director had texted her, after my first audition, "She is beyond lovely.  Such a beautiful soul and great read."  This second role I'm reading for is substantial.  The character has a name (not all my small roles have had), several scenes, a tragic background, a story arc.  And if I don't get this role, I feel pretty certain I'll get the first one I read for.

In my world, this is huge.  This is fantastic news.  This is incredibly affirming, tells me that I may actually have some acting talent.  The  prospect of getting a  role like this at this point in my career is terribly exciting, like jump up and down exciting.

What feels strange is that I don't really have anyone to tell about this.  Sweet Hubby is happy for me and proud of me, of course, but he's not a jump up and down kind of guy.  My non-acting friends will also be happy for me, but won't really understand the significance of this chapter, and if I tell my acting friends, who would understand, it would feel like bragging or lording it over them.  So I'm saying it here.  I'M SO EXCITED!!  I DID A GOOD JOB!  THEY LIKE ME, THEY REALLY LIKE ME!  I'M GOOD AT THIS!!  And always the thought in the background that I don't like to admit but can't ignore: Maybe this will lead to something even bigger and better.  It probably won't.  Heck, I might not get either role.  But I've never been one to avoid getting excited just because I might be disappointed later. So right now I'm just going to go ahead and be thrilled.